Pause. Breathe.

It has been quite a week. A normal, typical, unusual, at times frustrating, at times beautiful week. Last weekend I felt myself coming down with a cold. I could tell from the onset that it would be brutal but short. I felt miserable, but also felt like it would pass quickly. And here I sit a week later feeling 80% better. Still a lingering cough, but that seems to be par for the course for me lately. In any case, I am so glad it didn't last long. Add to not feeling well trying to learn and speak another language, planning for English clubs that I am desperately trying to make interesting and possibly even meet some of my program metrics, rainy weather so people don't want to come to activities, and the tediousness that is the constant companion of trying to get projects going. Sometimes it feels like trying to push a boulder uphill.

I made myself a promise years ago after my mom died: no regrets. I will never look back and wish I had done something differently, and I will not compare my life to anyone else's. Usually I do a pretty good job of sticking to that. But on the days that I'm rundown and worn out and not seeing the progress I'd like to see in my work, I sometimes see my friends' posts on facebook and wonder if I've made the right decisions. What if I'd gotten a for-profit job so I could have afforded to stay in Seattle? What if I had studied a subject or looked for work in a more lucrative field? Have I made a terrible mistake in pursuing a life of service? Will I be able to afford medical care when I'm old or ever get my student loans paid off? Why am I not married with children, a homeowner, etc.? What is wrong with me? I definitely have these moments occasionally. BUT. I am who I am because of all of the decisions I have made, and I - being the overanalyzer that I am - do not make decisions lightly. Yes, I have not pursued work in a lucrative field, and yes that means I have to deal with the consequences of that choice. But, I made decisions that were true to myself, and that is really all we can do in this life.

Instead of wondering what my life would be like if I had a fancy job and owned a nice home and got to stay in my hometown and go see Hamilton at the Paramount like all my friends in Seattle are doing right now, I have to remind myself that that was not the life I wanted. That is not who I am. The other day as I was walking through mud on my way to a local high school to talk to girls about a program they could participate in to learn how to code a phone app, I had a moment where I realized THAT is exactly what I wanted to be doing at that moment. A year prior, sitting in a cubicle I would have LOVED to be walking that muddy road. And there I was! Living in an unfamiliar place, learning a new culture and language, slowly building community, and getting to encourage young people to pursue their dreams. This is my dream. This is what I dreamed of for so long that sometimes I can't believe I finally get to do the very thing I hoped for. It's slow, difficult work, and often you don't see the impact it has. But I've worked in community development long enough to know that and be ok with it. I just sometimes need to pause for a moment and breathe, and remind myself why I do this. It's what I was made for.

Yesterday, I walked to the piața to buy oranges and some candy from the same ladies I usually buy from. They remember me, and try to speak to me in Romanian even though they speak Russian. On my way back to the library, I saw the chief of the cultural section of the raion council, who had ridden to Cahul with me after our Peace Corps Swearing-In in August. She gave me a hug, and asked how I was doing. Am I happy here? Do I have friends here? Do I like Moldova? Yes. Yes. Yes. And then at the library, I got to meet with an incredible group of young women who I believe are already making an impact in their country. Have all the decisions I have made that led me here been worth it? Yes. Resoundingly yes. I may not get to see Hamilton anytime soon, or ever be able to return to my home city, but this is the life my decisions have chosen, and I would not have it any other way.